Catching A Bouquet Is An Effective Way To Obtain Flowers (and demonstrate how desperate you truly are).

I am afraid of many many MANY things. Some people are afraid of heights, spiders, or Death. Those things don't scare me. Catching a bouquet at a wedding however... FREAKS ME OUT SO MUCH THAT I'D RATHER TAKE THE ELEVATOR TO THE TOP OF A VERY TALL BUILDING AND JUMP TO MY DEATH WITH SPIDERS IN MY MOUTH.

"So what's with this irrational fear of wedding bouquets?" you're probably not wondering. It goes back to the first time I ever caught a bouquet. I wasn't expecting to catch one. At least that's what I would tell myself. Not because I didn't think I could do it. More because I didn't want to admit that I WANT THAT FUCKING BOUQUET BECAUSE ITS PRETTY, MY BOYFRIEND STOPPED BUYING ME FLOWERS, AND ITS SUPPOSED TO MEAN I'LL GET MARRIED SOON. So while I'm trying to play it cool, all the other single ladies brazenly prepare to be the one to catch this bundle of colourful scented delusion. Bitch. How do you expect to catch it in THOSE heels? Oh I get it. You'll stomp on anyone who gets in the way.

I'm sure most of us have been in many bouquet throwings where the thing doesn't even come near you, and that's totally fine once you see the madness that goes on between the women as they tear the thing apart. It resembles a bunch of mothers trying to catch a succulent roasted chicken to bring back to their starving family, except everyone is dressed up all fancy. It's embarrassing, but you get a roast chicken out of it. I mean a bouquet of flowers. Though I can see myself taking extreme measures to obtain a roasted chicken. No matter what.

When that bouquet actually comes within your radius, it's like a switch goes on. I never planned to bust out some aerobics, or dives. I was saving those moves for a home run at a community baseball game where my team is the underdog. It just happened. I found myself nearly wrestling for that bouquet.  I hate wrestling. I don't get it. Its just aggressive cuddling if you ask me. In the end I got it, and immediately regretted it. I could be making this up here, but you can just feel what people are thinking. Some of the girls are probably wanting to kill me at that moment. Yeah it's a big deal to some of us. Gross, right?

The guy I was seeing at that time was out having a 'social' smoke, so he didn't see me snag that bouquet. Though I bet the way his guy friends described it, it probably sounded worse than it actually was. Not too long after that, he dumped me because I was 'too weak and needy'.  He wanted someone who was 'stronger'. Well, that's OK, because I wanted someone who wasn't a COMPLETE IDIOT.

So pretty. How could you not?

Now, whenever I find myself at a wedding, I try to avoid catching a bouquet. It never works. Especially when the bouquet is so pretty. At a recent wedding, I went inside when it was time for the bouquet thing, while my wonderful boyfriend, who by the way is nowhere near being an idiot, stayed outside to finish his 'social smoke'. There weren't enough single ladies so I joined the group out of courtesy (that's what I like to tell myself). I noticed that all the ladies were standing way too close to the bride. With my love for gorgeous flowers and keeping distance from large crowds, AND testing out theories, I decided to stand far away from everyone where I had a feeling the bouquet would land.

This time, the bouquet literally hit me in the face. On the lip to be precise. Then it landed in my hands and I remember grasping on tight in case someone tried to rip it off me. My lips were sore. This was a solid bunch of flowers. Totally worth the oncoming feelings of embarrassment and fear that my boyfriend would hear a skewed version of how I put forth so much effort into catching this bouquet and 'So when are you guys gonna get married? Soon?'

I felt like it was a cursed thing to catch that wretched mass of temporary beauty. I kept wondering how long it would take for the man to get turned off by my apparent desperation for all things silly like flowers and marriage. Then I stopped thinking about it and focused more on HOW I JUST SCORED A BOUQUET THAT WAS PROBABLY WORTH OVER $30. Sliced the stems at an angle and placed them in a vase with water and smelled them.

I am quite satisfied with this new found skill of mine, and considered making a career out of it. If we ever fall into a great depression where we have to fight for that loaf of bread that's being tossed from behind a truck, I'm pretty confident I won't starve.

Fuck Off Girl Official Trailer

Chicken Tender Rice Crispy

One day i wanted to make chicken fingers but didn't have bread crumbs. I do however have rice crispies and huge bag of Shrimp Crackers and Tako Chips.

Tako Chips 

Some Rice Crispies

a pair of chicken breast

Slice the breast into bite sized pieces and season with whatever u like. I used all sorts of stuff. Some red stuff, some saucy stuff, s'aaaal good and stuff.

can u guess what seasonings are in here? try to name some and ask your parents too! its fun for the whole family!

prepare in a dish flour, egg, the crumbs, and seasoned chicken for assembly line

flour, seasoned chicken(before the chicken was in it), egg, crumbs

beat the egg

I added some truffle oil in there which i dont recommend because you hardly notice it and it's a waste of money. 

At first i tried crushing the rice crispies and azn chips with some seasonings in a bag. It works pretty well, but using my mortar and pestle worked even better. i LOVE my mortar and pestle and no one can come between us.

Don't crush them too finely. The random bits of whole rice crispies add a nice crunch to the things we are making in this blog. 

Now that the chicken, flour, egg, and crumbs are prepared we can finally start making these things. Have your oil ready for deep frying.

coat blurry looking chicken in flour

both sides

dip in beaten egg

coat gross looking piece of chicken in crumbs. tap down on the chicken to make crumbs attach.

completely coated piece of chicken

Deep fry depending on size of your chicken things and til the crust turns golden brown. Mine look sooty brown because i used old oil. The economy.

So crunchy, and juicy tender on the inside. Actually tastes better than using breadcrumbs. 

SO THESE ARE DELICIOUS AND FUN TO MAKE AND YOU SHOULD DO IT RIGHT NOW!

Playlist:

Howdy Doody in the Woodshed by The Dickies

Triple Track by Dance Hall Crashers

It's a Real Time Thing by The Damned

Nipple Chips

I understand there are people out there who might not be bothered by this. Hungry people and pervs mostly. But i really wish the folks at Old Fashioned Style Chicharron had a warning label that stated that this bag of pork rinds might contain adult subject matter that might not be suitable for everyone.

Playlist:

Piggies by The Beatles

Larb Pretz

What the hell is Larb? Oh, it's a meat salad regarded as the national dish of Laos. Ok. So here it is in Pretz form then.

It was delicious! Nice and spicy. Would probably go great with beer, studying, camping, or reading something cool.

Playlist:

Sun and Moon from Miss Saigon

Sephora Mascara Review

This is a review on Sephora's Outrageous Volume Dramatic Volume Mascara.

Don't be fooled by its luxurious turd shaped tube. It was not too expensive ($18, as opposed to the $32 ones that I sometimes get cuz that's how much I love mascara) and it certainly aint a piece of shit.

The bristles are short and not intertwined. I like this cuz to me it means no clumping and more seperating. With lashes separated, it gives you a fuller look.

It can also be used to make your venus flytraps look more sexy and luscious to attract sexist male flies



































If you like things to be outrageously LOUD and full of drama, then Sephora's Outrageous Volume Dramatic Volume Mascara because it is outrageous and and it really pumps up the volume. They don't have a waterproof one yet, so i think thats where the drama comes in. It goes well with crying if you want that 90's grunge chick look.

Playlist:

Pump up the Volume by MARRS
1979 by The Smashing Pumpkins

Tako Chips and Cuttlefish Snack

This is a new segment called Azn Snacks. I'm gonna show you guys my favourite azn snacks.

I LOVE these.

They are usually cheap, anywhere from 50cents to 99cents. You can get them from T&T Supermarket or any small grocery store, or the Azn section of some supermarkets.

You are all probably familiar with these shrimp crackers. They are so yummy. They come in huge bags with a ziplock seal for pretty cheap too.

Crispy Chicken tender bites using Azn Snacks Coming soon!

Playlist:

YMCK

My Baking Workstation

I would like to to take the opportunity to further express how cool i am, and how you too can be almost as cool as me. Did you know that your level of coolness can be measured by your organizational skills?

It started with using shoeboxes to keep my baking stuff together. Then i saw those cute red tool boxes at canadian tire and saw that it wasn't stupid expensive. My coolness kicked in and decided this would be perfect and ultra cool to use for my supplies.

I got the Medium sized one. Right now it holds my Sprinkles, Food Colouring, Dust Powders, Extracts, Lavender, Vanilla Beans, a Slab of Sugar Paste, Palette Knife, Apron, Mini bags for cookies, piping bags, my bakers notebook and a bunch of other stuff.

Another tip for having a cool inventory is buying ingredients when you are far from home. They make a great souvenir for yourself, and when you bake stuff, and tell people about it, you can entice them with the fact that your vanilla came straight from a little store in Puerto Vallarta where you got to try some tequila samples, or that your lavender is from a lavender farm that you visited in Kelowna last summer. It totally ups the value of your baked goods if your ingredients come with a story of travel and adventure.

Here's an example:

Lucky Chap Who Gets To Try My Stuff- "Oh these Earl Grey Cookies are simply divine!"

Me- "I'll have you know, that the earl grey i used in the recipe comes from a hotel i stayed at when i visited Kelowna last summer. It came with the complimentary breakfast. Ahaha!"

LCWGTTMS- "Oh that's wonderful! I love tasting other people's travel and adventure in cookie form!"


So work on your pantry and storage skills, and soon, you too might hear things like "Wow! This tastes better than anything else i've ever tried!"

Playlist: In the Orchard by Nick13

Earl Grey Cookies

Note: This post is meant to be read with good posture and a thick fake English accent.

Ello! Today we are going to make Earl Grey cookies. They are delicious. Right. Let's get started.

You will need:

2 cups of flour

1/2 cup sugar

1/2 cup powdered sugar

2 tbsp earl grey (6bags)

1/2 tsp salt

1 tsp vanilla

1 tsp water (or earl grey tea)

1 cup unsalted butter

some thicker sugar, sugar

1 (or more) oven preheated to 375 degrees F

1/4 tsp of sense of pride and prejudice (it is imperative you dont skip this ingredient)

Any kind of earl grey tea works. Here is a dotted list of places i source my tea from:

• Hotels i've stayed at (complimentary continental self serve breakfast area)
• Hotels i've attended weddings at (self-serve coffee and tea area)
• Hotels i've walked into and followed the signs to parties/conventions i wasn't invited to but they have their self serve coffee/tea in the hallway
• The store
• Friends who have earl grey
• I havent tried this but i bet addict meetings would be a good place too

Beat the butter and sugar and water and vanilla together until fluffy. Meanwhile, mix the flour and tea leaves and salt together. It should look pretty like this:

Knead the flour mixture with butter mixture. Roll into logs. 2 Inches is pretty good.

Roll logs onto the thicker sugar. I used a demerrara sugar. 

Wrap in plastic wrap or parchment paper and refrigerate for at least an hour. After that cut into half inch slices. Or a third of an inch. I'd be more accurate if i had a ruler on me right now. You can figure it out.

Bake on ungreased sheet for about 12 minutes at 375degreesF. Jolly good. Let it cool.

How cute is that?? These go well with hot water and lemon. Or Grey Goose. See? Cuz you can merge the two? Earl Grey Goose? Yeah? >_<

Playlist: 

Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Daughter by Herman's Hermits

Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood by The Animals

No Milk Today by Herman's Hermits (the singer looks like young Dexter)