Vegan Cupcake Recipe - WORST RECIPE EVER

Today I'm going to teach you how to make cupcakes that taste awful. It's quite simple really. Just look up a recipe online. Like this one. It helps to see pictures. You can usually tell something is going to taste disgusting if it looks disgusting. Then, substitute some of the ingredients for what you actually do have in stock, for safe measure.

Ingredients:

1 tsp apple cider vinegar (you know this is going to cause problems right off the bat)

1/2 cup almond milk sourced from the trunk of a handsome man

2/3 cup all the purposes flour

1/3 cup sugar

3/4 tsp baking powder

1/8 tsp baking soda

2 tbsp & 2 tsp olive oil (coconut oil if you follow proper instructions, but I'm broke and without C-oil)

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

1 Ounce of impatience and low expectations

Yields 6 cupcakes. It is always a good idea to reduce the recipe to a smaller yield if its the first time making it, and you are utterly alone.

Step 1: Preheat Oven to 350degrees and line muffin tin with papercups.

Step 2: Combine Almond milk and apple cider vinegar and set aside to CURDLE.

Step 3: Whisk together flour, sugar, baking powder and soda, and salt. I added some culinary grade lavender in here, but I assure you, that is not what makes this recipe taste bad.

Step 3: In a separate bowl, combine oil and vanilla extract. I'll admit, maybe using olive oil instead of coconut oil is a contributing factor to the revolting taste of these cupcakes.

Step 4: Whisk in the CURDLED almond mixture to the oil mixture. It should look grody and blurry.

Step 6: Add nauseating looking oil mixture to the dry ingredients and combine until dry ingredients are wet. This would make a good recipe for simulated barf.

Step 7: Evenly distribute into papercups. I had tons of Ferrero chocolates so I put them in some. Doesn't look that bad. I feel hope. Let me tell you, hope is a dangerous and foolish thing. Say NO to being a child.

Step 8: Place in oven and bake for 15 - 20 minutes. Make sure your oven window is dirty.

Step 9: Make an impromptu buttercream icing. I used butter because I can't commit to keeping things vegan. There is also some almond milk, icing sugar, and food colouring.

Step 10: Have high hopes because they smell good and look pretty decent. Anticipate biting into one these things.

Step 11: Don't bother waiting for the cupcakes to cool before frosting them. You are impatient. You never tried this recipe before, so you want to find out right away wether it was a success or not. Besides, the frosting melting is a great because the juices just soak into the cupcake.

Step 12: Dig in. Acknowledge that they are very dense and salty and oily and SOUR. Force yourself to eat two because you think maybe your tastebuds just need to adjust to the sickening textures and flavours.

Step 13: Salvage the ferrero chocolates, discard the rest of the cupcakes and then cry yourself to sleep over your failure and guilt for wasting ingredients and time.

If you were paying attention, you would have noticed that this recipe contains two Step 3s and zero Step5s. Congratulations! You are aware!

Playlist:

Crying by Roy Orbison

Mr. Lonely by Bobby Vinton

Progress by Ayumi Hamasaki

Instant Noodles

You will need:

1 cup of noodles (today we are using Pork Chowder)

boiling water

a small appetite

chopsticks

 

I am showing you the Original Method listed on the top 

If given the choice of a flavour packet, i suggest using 3/4 of the powder to reduce the saltiness

Fill with boiling water up to that line if you like following the rules.

Steep for 3 minutes. You can listen to a song thats about 3 minutes if you dont have a timer.

Stir and Serve. MMMMMMMM so cheap and delicious.

Playlist:

Starry Heavens

Chicken Tender Rice Crispy

One day i wanted to make chicken fingers but didn't have bread crumbs. I do however have rice crispies and huge bag of Shrimp Crackers and Tako Chips.

Tako Chips 

Some Rice Crispies

a pair of chicken breast

Slice the breast into bite sized pieces and season with whatever u like. I used all sorts of stuff. Some red stuff, some saucy stuff, s'aaaal good and stuff.

can u guess what seasonings are in here? try to name some and ask your parents too! its fun for the whole family!

prepare in a dish flour, egg, the crumbs, and seasoned chicken for assembly line

flour, seasoned chicken(before the chicken was in it), egg, crumbs

beat the egg

I added some truffle oil in there which i dont recommend because you hardly notice it and it's a waste of money. 

At first i tried crushing the rice crispies and azn chips with some seasonings in a bag. It works pretty well, but using my mortar and pestle worked even better. i LOVE my mortar and pestle and no one can come between us.

Don't crush them too finely. The random bits of whole rice crispies add a nice crunch to the things we are making in this blog. 

Now that the chicken, flour, egg, and crumbs are prepared we can finally start making these things. Have your oil ready for deep frying.

coat blurry looking chicken in flour

both sides

dip in beaten egg

coat gross looking piece of chicken in crumbs. tap down on the chicken to make crumbs attach.

completely coated piece of chicken

Deep fry depending on size of your chicken things and til the crust turns golden brown. Mine look sooty brown because i used old oil. The economy.

So crunchy, and juicy tender on the inside. Actually tastes better than using breadcrumbs. 

SO THESE ARE DELICIOUS AND FUN TO MAKE AND YOU SHOULD DO IT RIGHT NOW!

Playlist:

Howdy Doody in the Woodshed by The Dickies

Triple Track by Dance Hall Crashers

It's a Real Time Thing by The Damned

My Baking Workstation

I would like to to take the opportunity to further express how cool i am, and how you too can be almost as cool as me. Did you know that your level of coolness can be measured by your organizational skills?

It started with using shoeboxes to keep my baking stuff together. Then i saw those cute red tool boxes at canadian tire and saw that it wasn't stupid expensive. My coolness kicked in and decided this would be perfect and ultra cool to use for my supplies.

I got the Medium sized one. Right now it holds my Sprinkles, Food Colouring, Dust Powders, Extracts, Lavender, Vanilla Beans, a Slab of Sugar Paste, Palette Knife, Apron, Mini bags for cookies, piping bags, my bakers notebook and a bunch of other stuff.

Another tip for having a cool inventory is buying ingredients when you are far from home. They make a great souvenir for yourself, and when you bake stuff, and tell people about it, you can entice them with the fact that your vanilla came straight from a little store in Puerto Vallarta where you got to try some tequila samples, or that your lavender is from a lavender farm that you visited in Kelowna last summer. It totally ups the value of your baked goods if your ingredients come with a story of travel and adventure.

Here's an example:

Lucky Chap Who Gets To Try My Stuff- "Oh these Earl Grey Cookies are simply divine!"

Me- "I'll have you know, that the earl grey i used in the recipe comes from a hotel i stayed at when i visited Kelowna last summer. It came with the complimentary breakfast. Ahaha!"

LCWGTTMS- "Oh that's wonderful! I love tasting other people's travel and adventure in cookie form!"


So work on your pantry and storage skills, and soon, you too might hear things like "Wow! This tastes better than anything else i've ever tried!"

Playlist: In the Orchard by Nick13

Earl Grey Cookies

Note: This post is meant to be read with good posture and a thick fake English accent.

Ello! Today we are going to make Earl Grey cookies. They are delicious. Right. Let's get started.

You will need:

2 cups of flour

1/2 cup sugar

1/2 cup powdered sugar

2 tbsp earl grey (6bags)

1/2 tsp salt

1 tsp vanilla

1 tsp water (or earl grey tea)

1 cup unsalted butter

some thicker sugar, sugar

1 (or more) oven preheated to 375 degrees F

1/4 tsp of sense of pride and prejudice (it is imperative you dont skip this ingredient)

Any kind of earl grey tea works. Here is a dotted list of places i source my tea from:

• Hotels i've stayed at (complimentary continental self serve breakfast area)
• Hotels i've attended weddings at (self-serve coffee and tea area)
• Hotels i've walked into and followed the signs to parties/conventions i wasn't invited to but they have their self serve coffee/tea in the hallway
• The store
• Friends who have earl grey
• I havent tried this but i bet addict meetings would be a good place too

Beat the butter and sugar and water and vanilla together until fluffy. Meanwhile, mix the flour and tea leaves and salt together. It should look pretty like this:

Knead the flour mixture with butter mixture. Roll into logs. 2 Inches is pretty good.

Roll logs onto the thicker sugar. I used a demerrara sugar. 

Wrap in plastic wrap or parchment paper and refrigerate for at least an hour. After that cut into half inch slices. Or a third of an inch. I'd be more accurate if i had a ruler on me right now. You can figure it out.

Bake on ungreased sheet for about 12 minutes at 375degreesF. Jolly good. Let it cool.

How cute is that?? These go well with hot water and lemon. Or Grey Goose. See? Cuz you can merge the two? Earl Grey Goose? Yeah? >_<

Playlist: 

Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Daughter by Herman's Hermits

Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood by The Animals

No Milk Today by Herman's Hermits (the singer looks like young Dexter)