Vegan Cupcake Recipe - WORST RECIPE EVER

Today I'm going to teach you how to make cupcakes that taste awful. It's quite simple really. Just look up a recipe online. Like this one. It helps to see pictures. You can usually tell something is going to taste disgusting if it looks disgusting. Then, substitute some of the ingredients for what you actually do have in stock, for safe measure.

Ingredients:

1 tsp apple cider vinegar (you know this is going to cause problems right off the bat)

1/2 cup almond milk sourced from the trunk of a handsome man

2/3 cup all the purposes flour

1/3 cup sugar

3/4 tsp baking powder

1/8 tsp baking soda

2 tbsp & 2 tsp olive oil (coconut oil if you follow proper instructions, but I'm broke and without C-oil)

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

1 Ounce of impatience and low expectations

Yields 6 cupcakes. It is always a good idea to reduce the recipe to a smaller yield if its the first time making it, and you are utterly alone.

Step 1: Preheat Oven to 350degrees and line muffin tin with papercups.

Step 2: Combine Almond milk and apple cider vinegar and set aside to CURDLE.

Step 3: Whisk together flour, sugar, baking powder and soda, and salt. I added some culinary grade lavender in here, but I assure you, that is not what makes this recipe taste bad.

Step 3: In a separate bowl, combine oil and vanilla extract. I'll admit, maybe using olive oil instead of coconut oil is a contributing factor to the revolting taste of these cupcakes.

Step 4: Whisk in the CURDLED almond mixture to the oil mixture. It should look grody and blurry.

Step 6: Add nauseating looking oil mixture to the dry ingredients and combine until dry ingredients are wet. This would make a good recipe for simulated barf.

Step 7: Evenly distribute into papercups. I had tons of Ferrero chocolates so I put them in some. Doesn't look that bad. I feel hope. Let me tell you, hope is a dangerous and foolish thing. Say NO to being a child.

Step 8: Place in oven and bake for 15 - 20 minutes. Make sure your oven window is dirty.

Step 9: Make an impromptu buttercream icing. I used butter because I can't commit to keeping things vegan. There is also some almond milk, icing sugar, and food colouring.

Step 10: Have high hopes because they smell good and look pretty decent. Anticipate biting into one these things.

Step 11: Don't bother waiting for the cupcakes to cool before frosting them. You are impatient. You never tried this recipe before, so you want to find out right away wether it was a success or not. Besides, the frosting melting is a great because the juices just soak into the cupcake.

Step 12: Dig in. Acknowledge that they are very dense and salty and oily and SOUR. Force yourself to eat two because you think maybe your tastebuds just need to adjust to the sickening textures and flavours.

Step 13: Salvage the ferrero chocolates, discard the rest of the cupcakes and then cry yourself to sleep over your failure and guilt for wasting ingredients and time.

If you were paying attention, you would have noticed that this recipe contains two Step 3s and zero Step5s. Congratulations! You are aware!

Playlist:

Crying by Roy Orbison

Mr. Lonely by Bobby Vinton

Progress by Ayumi Hamasaki