Vegan Cupcake Recipe - WORST RECIPE EVER

Today I'm going to teach you how to make cupcakes that taste awful. It's quite simple really. Just look up a recipe online. Like this one. It helps to see pictures. You can usually tell something is going to taste disgusting if it looks disgusting. Then, substitute some of the ingredients for what you actually do have in stock, for safe measure.

Ingredients:

1 tsp apple cider vinegar (you know this is going to cause problems right off the bat)

1/2 cup almond milk sourced from the trunk of a handsome man

2/3 cup all the purposes flour

1/3 cup sugar

3/4 tsp baking powder

1/8 tsp baking soda

2 tbsp & 2 tsp olive oil (coconut oil if you follow proper instructions, but I'm broke and without C-oil)

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

1 Ounce of impatience and low expectations

Yields 6 cupcakes. It is always a good idea to reduce the recipe to a smaller yield if its the first time making it, and you are utterly alone.

Step 1: Preheat Oven to 350degrees and line muffin tin with papercups.

Step 2: Combine Almond milk and apple cider vinegar and set aside to CURDLE.

Step 3: Whisk together flour, sugar, baking powder and soda, and salt. I added some culinary grade lavender in here, but I assure you, that is not what makes this recipe taste bad.

Step 3: In a separate bowl, combine oil and vanilla extract. I'll admit, maybe using olive oil instead of coconut oil is a contributing factor to the revolting taste of these cupcakes.

Step 4: Whisk in the CURDLED almond mixture to the oil mixture. It should look grody and blurry.

Step 6: Add nauseating looking oil mixture to the dry ingredients and combine until dry ingredients are wet. This would make a good recipe for simulated barf.

Step 7: Evenly distribute into papercups. I had tons of Ferrero chocolates so I put them in some. Doesn't look that bad. I feel hope. Let me tell you, hope is a dangerous and foolish thing. Say NO to being a child.

Step 8: Place in oven and bake for 15 - 20 minutes. Make sure your oven window is dirty.

Step 9: Make an impromptu buttercream icing. I used butter because I can't commit to keeping things vegan. There is also some almond milk, icing sugar, and food colouring.

Step 10: Have high hopes because they smell good and look pretty decent. Anticipate biting into one these things.

Step 11: Don't bother waiting for the cupcakes to cool before frosting them. You are impatient. You never tried this recipe before, so you want to find out right away wether it was a success or not. Besides, the frosting melting is a great because the juices just soak into the cupcake.

Step 12: Dig in. Acknowledge that they are very dense and salty and oily and SOUR. Force yourself to eat two because you think maybe your tastebuds just need to adjust to the sickening textures and flavours.

Step 13: Salvage the ferrero chocolates, discard the rest of the cupcakes and then cry yourself to sleep over your failure and guilt for wasting ingredients and time.

If you were paying attention, you would have noticed that this recipe contains two Step 3s and zero Step5s. Congratulations! You are aware!

Playlist:

Crying by Roy Orbison

Mr. Lonely by Bobby Vinton

Progress by Ayumi Hamasaki

Spaghetti Aglio e Olio e Lobstero

My local grocery store had frozen lobsters on special for really cheap. It sat in my freezer for a really long time until I thought maybe it would go great with Spaghetti Aglio e Olio. Turns out that it really does. It tastes even better after work and you have free time because you decided to skip going to the gym or usually work the evenings that day at your second job but NOT THIS TIME!

Ingredients:

1 Frozen Manager's special frozen Lobster thats been sitting in your freezer for a really long time

4 - 67 cloves of garlic. I usually use anywhere between 5 - 7 cloves depending on clove size

1 tbsp chilli flakes (or less or more. I usually go with a newborn's fistful)

Spaghetti

Olive Oil

Some Italian sausage (optional and delicious)

Broccoli (optional and nutritious)

1 Time Travelling Device (optional and absolutely necessary)

Step 1: Place all ingredients into Time Travelling Device.

Step 2: Enjoy with some butter melting under a romantic candle lit for one. And some wine. Some lots of wine. If you do not have a Time Travelling Device, you should scold yourself for not having one, and then proceed to Step 3... or go back to Step 1? Or wait, what?

Step wrinkle in time: Chop the things that need chopping, boil the things that need boiling for the amount of time it needs to be boiled. Use a blunt object to get to the meat. If your landlord asks you what that loud banging noise is, it means you're doing it right. Throw some olive oil into skillet, heat up flakes and garlics and other things in a very specific order and with specific heat settings and maybe a dash of white wine somewhere in there but I forgot to take pictures and I don't feel like doing this anymore. Why the f*ck don't you have a Time Travelling Device? What the hell is wrong with you??!

Playlist:

Mambo Italiano by Rosemary Clooney

Rock Lobster by The B-52s

Con te Partirò by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman

Iraq Lobster by Peter Griffin

Instant Noodles

You will need:

1 cup of noodles (today we are using Pork Chowder)

boiling water

a small appetite

chopsticks

 

I am showing you the Original Method listed on the top 

If given the choice of a flavour packet, i suggest using 3/4 of the powder to reduce the saltiness

Fill with boiling water up to that line if you like following the rules.

Steep for 3 minutes. You can listen to a song thats about 3 minutes if you dont have a timer.

Stir and Serve. MMMMMMMM so cheap and delicious.

Playlist:

Starry Heavens

Catching A Bouquet Is An Effective Way To Obtain Flowers (and demonstrate how desperate you truly are).

I am afraid of many many MANY things. Some people are afraid of heights, spiders, or Death. Those things don't scare me. Catching a bouquet at a wedding however... FREAKS ME OUT SO MUCH THAT I'D RATHER TAKE THE ELEVATOR TO THE TOP OF A VERY TALL BUILDING AND JUMP TO MY DEATH WITH SPIDERS IN MY MOUTH.

"So what's with this irrational fear of wedding bouquets?" you're probably not wondering. It goes back to the first time I ever caught a bouquet. I wasn't expecting to catch one. At least that's what I would tell myself. Not because I didn't think I could do it. More because I didn't want to admit that I WANT THAT FUCKING BOUQUET BECAUSE ITS PRETTY, MY BOYFRIEND STOPPED BUYING ME FLOWERS, AND ITS SUPPOSED TO MEAN I'LL GET MARRIED SOON. So while I'm trying to play it cool, all the other single ladies brazenly prepare to be the one to catch this bundle of colourful scented delusion. Bitch. How do you expect to catch it in THOSE heels? Oh I get it. You'll stomp on anyone who gets in the way.

I'm sure most of us have been in many bouquet throwings where the thing doesn't even come near you, and that's totally fine once you see the madness that goes on between the women as they tear the thing apart. It resembles a bunch of mothers trying to catch a succulent roasted chicken to bring back to their starving family, except everyone is dressed up all fancy. It's embarrassing, but you get a roast chicken out of it. I mean a bouquet of flowers. Though I can see myself taking extreme measures to obtain a roasted chicken. No matter what.

When that bouquet actually comes within your radius, it's like a switch goes on. I never planned to bust out some aerobics, or dives. I was saving those moves for a home run at a community baseball game where my team is the underdog. It just happened. I found myself nearly wrestling for that bouquet.  I hate wrestling. I don't get it. Its just aggressive cuddling if you ask me. In the end I got it, and immediately regretted it. I could be making this up here, but you can just feel what people are thinking. Some of the girls are probably wanting to kill me at that moment. Yeah it's a big deal to some of us. Gross, right?

The guy I was seeing at that time was out having a 'social' smoke, so he didn't see me snag that bouquet. Though I bet the way his guy friends described it, it probably sounded worse than it actually was. Not too long after that, he dumped me because I was 'too weak and needy'.  He wanted someone who was 'stronger'. Well, that's OK, because I wanted someone who wasn't a COMPLETE IDIOT.

So pretty. How could you not?

Now, whenever I find myself at a wedding, I try to avoid catching a bouquet. It never works. Especially when the bouquet is so pretty. At a recent wedding, I went inside when it was time for the bouquet thing, while my wonderful boyfriend, who by the way is nowhere near being an idiot, stayed outside to finish his 'social smoke'. There weren't enough single ladies so I joined the group out of courtesy (that's what I like to tell myself). I noticed that all the ladies were standing way too close to the bride. With my love for gorgeous flowers and keeping distance from large crowds, AND testing out theories, I decided to stand far away from everyone where I had a feeling the bouquet would land.

This time, the bouquet literally hit me in the face. On the lip to be precise. Then it landed in my hands and I remember grasping on tight in case someone tried to rip it off me. My lips were sore. This was a solid bunch of flowers. Totally worth the oncoming feelings of embarrassment and fear that my boyfriend would hear a skewed version of how I put forth so much effort into catching this bouquet and 'So when are you guys gonna get married? Soon?'

I felt like it was a cursed thing to catch that wretched mass of temporary beauty. I kept wondering how long it would take for the man to get turned off by my apparent desperation for all things silly like flowers and marriage. Then I stopped thinking about it and focused more on HOW I JUST SCORED A BOUQUET THAT WAS PROBABLY WORTH OVER $30. Sliced the stems at an angle and placed them in a vase with water and smelled them.

I am quite satisfied with this new found skill of mine, and considered making a career out of it. If we ever fall into a great depression where we have to fight for that loaf of bread that's being tossed from behind a truck, I'm pretty confident I won't starve.

Fuck Off Girl Official Trailer

Chicken Tender Rice Crispy

One day i wanted to make chicken fingers but didn't have bread crumbs. I do however have rice crispies and huge bag of Shrimp Crackers and Tako Chips.

Tako Chips 

Some Rice Crispies

a pair of chicken breast

Slice the breast into bite sized pieces and season with whatever u like. I used all sorts of stuff. Some red stuff, some saucy stuff, s'aaaal good and stuff.

can u guess what seasonings are in here? try to name some and ask your parents too! its fun for the whole family!

prepare in a dish flour, egg, the crumbs, and seasoned chicken for assembly line

flour, seasoned chicken(before the chicken was in it), egg, crumbs

beat the egg

I added some truffle oil in there which i dont recommend because you hardly notice it and it's a waste of money. 

At first i tried crushing the rice crispies and azn chips with some seasonings in a bag. It works pretty well, but using my mortar and pestle worked even better. i LOVE my mortar and pestle and no one can come between us.

Don't crush them too finely. The random bits of whole rice crispies add a nice crunch to the things we are making in this blog. 

Now that the chicken, flour, egg, and crumbs are prepared we can finally start making these things. Have your oil ready for deep frying.

coat blurry looking chicken in flour

both sides

dip in beaten egg

coat gross looking piece of chicken in crumbs. tap down on the chicken to make crumbs attach.

completely coated piece of chicken

Deep fry depending on size of your chicken things and til the crust turns golden brown. Mine look sooty brown because i used old oil. The economy.

So crunchy, and juicy tender on the inside. Actually tastes better than using breadcrumbs. 

SO THESE ARE DELICIOUS AND FUN TO MAKE AND YOU SHOULD DO IT RIGHT NOW!

Playlist:

Howdy Doody in the Woodshed by The Dickies

Triple Track by Dance Hall Crashers

It's a Real Time Thing by The Damned

Nipple Chips

I understand there are people out there who might not be bothered by this. Hungry people and pervs mostly. But i really wish the folks at Old Fashioned Style Chicharron had a warning label that stated that this bag of pork rinds might contain adult subject matter that might not be suitable for everyone.

Playlist:

Piggies by The Beatles

Larb Pretz

What the hell is Larb? Oh, it's a meat salad regarded as the national dish of Laos. Ok. So here it is in Pretz form then.

It was delicious! Nice and spicy. Would probably go great with beer, studying, camping, or reading something cool.

Playlist:

Sun and Moon from Miss Saigon