Catching A Bouquet Is An Effective Way To Obtain Flowers (and demonstrate how desperate you truly are).

I am afraid of many many MANY things. Some people are afraid of heights, spiders, or Death. Those things don't scare me. Catching a bouquet at a wedding however... FREAKS ME OUT SO MUCH THAT I'D RATHER TAKE THE ELEVATOR TO THE TOP OF A VERY TALL BUILDING AND JUMP TO MY DEATH WITH SPIDERS IN MY MOUTH.

"So what's with this irrational fear of wedding bouquets?" you're probably not wondering. It goes back to the first time I ever caught a bouquet. I wasn't expecting to catch one. At least that's what I would tell myself. Not because I didn't think I could do it. More because I didn't want to admit that I WANT THAT FUCKING BOUQUET BECAUSE ITS PRETTY, MY BOYFRIEND STOPPED BUYING ME FLOWERS, AND ITS SUPPOSED TO MEAN I'LL GET MARRIED SOON. So while I'm trying to play it cool, all the other single ladies brazenly prepare to be the one to catch this bundle of colourful scented delusion. Bitch. How do you expect to catch it in THOSE heels? Oh I get it. You'll stomp on anyone who gets in the way.

I'm sure most of us have been in many bouquet throwings where the thing doesn't even come near you, and that's totally fine once you see the madness that goes on between the women as they tear the thing apart. It resembles a bunch of mothers trying to catch a succulent roasted chicken to bring back to their starving family, except everyone is dressed up all fancy. It's embarrassing, but you get a roast chicken out of it. I mean a bouquet of flowers. Though I can see myself taking extreme measures to obtain a roasted chicken. No matter what.

When that bouquet actually comes within your radius, it's like a switch goes on. I never planned to bust out some aerobics, or dives. I was saving those moves for a home run at a community baseball game where my team is the underdog. It just happened. I found myself nearly wrestling for that bouquet.  I hate wrestling. I don't get it. Its just aggressive cuddling if you ask me. In the end I got it, and immediately regretted it. I could be making this up here, but you can just feel what people are thinking. Some of the girls are probably wanting to kill me at that moment. Yeah it's a big deal to some of us. Gross, right?

The guy I was seeing at that time was out having a 'social' smoke, so he didn't see me snag that bouquet. Though I bet the way his guy friends described it, it probably sounded worse than it actually was. Not too long after that, he dumped me because I was 'too weak and needy'.  He wanted someone who was 'stronger'. Well, that's OK, because I wanted someone who wasn't a COMPLETE IDIOT.

So pretty. How could you not?

Now, whenever I find myself at a wedding, I try to avoid catching a bouquet. It never works. Especially when the bouquet is so pretty. At a recent wedding, I went inside when it was time for the bouquet thing, while my wonderful boyfriend, who by the way is nowhere near being an idiot, stayed outside to finish his 'social smoke'. There weren't enough single ladies so I joined the group out of courtesy (that's what I like to tell myself). I noticed that all the ladies were standing way too close to the bride. With my love for gorgeous flowers and keeping distance from large crowds, AND testing out theories, I decided to stand far away from everyone where I had a feeling the bouquet would land.

This time, the bouquet literally hit me in the face. On the lip to be precise. Then it landed in my hands and I remember grasping on tight in case someone tried to rip it off me. My lips were sore. This was a solid bunch of flowers. Totally worth the oncoming feelings of embarrassment and fear that my boyfriend would hear a skewed version of how I put forth so much effort into catching this bouquet and 'So when are you guys gonna get married? Soon?'

I felt like it was a cursed thing to catch that wretched mass of temporary beauty. I kept wondering how long it would take for the man to get turned off by my apparent desperation for all things silly like flowers and marriage. Then I stopped thinking about it and focused more on HOW I JUST SCORED A BOUQUET THAT WAS PROBABLY WORTH OVER $30. Sliced the stems at an angle and placed them in a vase with water and smelled them.

I am quite satisfied with this new found skill of mine, and considered making a career out of it. If we ever fall into a great depression where we have to fight for that loaf of bread that's being tossed from behind a truck, I'm pretty confident I won't starve.